


shadowkat | Spike and Willow Journey Part I (essay written in 2002)

by shadowkat67



Series: Spike and Willow - Psychological Journey Meta [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Essays, Literary References & Allusions, Meta, Multi, Philosophy, Psychology, non-fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-07-13
Updated: 2009-07-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:40:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22354255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowkat67/pseuds/shadowkat67
Summary: Tara and Drusilla are like mirror images of dark and light. For Willow and Spike respectively, they act as maternal figures, lovers, soothsayers and spiritual guides.
Series: Spike and Willow - Psychological Journey Meta [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1609216





	shadowkat | Spike and Willow Journey Part I (essay written in 2002)

**Author's Note:**

> Migrated over from geocities which is shutting down. These are the first of my Spike and Willow comparison essays.
> 
> [ Links will be made to Buffy's journey since she remains the central focus of the show. Thanks to the following fans from the All Things Philosophical About Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Angel The Series Posting Board circa 2002: leslie, caroline, redcat, verandanthe, foodbuny, and exegy who enriched this essay with their comments. Also to rufus who provided the information on Tara symbolism. )
> 
> First a few definitions:
> 
> 1."Yin represents everything about the world that is dark, hidden, passive, receptive, yielding, cool, soft, and feminine.
> 
> 2\. Yang represents everything about the world that is illuminated, evident, active, aggressive, controlling, hot, hard, and masculine. Earth is the ultimate yin object. Heaven is the ultimate yang object.
> 
> 3\. Of the two basic Chinese "Ways," Confucianism is identified with the yang aspect, Taoism with the yin aspect." (Courtesy of the wonderful Foodbuny on B C & S spoiler board, who put them in laymen's terms.)

Tara first appears on the scene as a stuttering shy girl who introduces Willow to the pleasures of witchcraft and lesbianism. She is Willow's light. Tara who fears the demon more than the geek, is fairly straightforward with her nervous geeky self. The dark side of her nature she hides, until she is forced to come to terms with it in _Family_ and realizes its not that bad after all. Up until _Family_ , Tara believed her ability to practice witchcraft arose from her demonic nature inherited from her mother, Spike proves that she has no demonic nature and that her father is merely using this "myth" to keep the women in line. (Family, season 5, Btvs.) After this episode, Tara no longer has any problem with her identity. Prior to Season 5, in _Restless_ , Tara appears in "guide mode" - spiritually guiding both Buffy and Willow through their _Restless_ dreams. Again she is portrayed as light - both in costume - usually light tones in Season 4, blond streaked hair, and even in Season 5 and Six, she feels like a mature, soft, womanly presence - maternal. (For example - Buffy's ability to tearfully confess her dark secret to Tara, literally laying her head in Tara's lap as she does so, in Dead Things or Dawn's bonding scene with Tara in _Smashed_ , where Tara comments on how big a shake she has and whether she's eating right.). Through Tara - Willow gains self-esteem and feels confidence in her magic and herself, she feels free to unleash her powers, partly because Tara grounds her, acts as her compass. Tara is the Hindu _Jñaana-candraa_ or Moon of Wisdom * - the guiding light of order, life and forgiveness. Tara represents love that bridges gender and form, compassion that is equal for all. (For an example of Tara's use in this manner see Buffy's Dream in Restless, in which costumes are once again used to show a character's inner self: "Appears opposite Buffy on the dune, walking toward her. She is dressed in Indian garb, midriff and skirt. Again, preternaturally calm.")

If Tara is the light, Drusilla is the darkness. The innocent child first driven insane, then turned into a demon. We know poor Dru was gifted with the sight, which makes her in some respects similar to Tara as a human. In _Becoming Part I_ \- we flashback to a pre-vamped Drusilla in a confessional worrying that her sight makes her evil. Angelus posing as a priest, informs her that it does. This scene is very similar to Mr. Maclay informing Tara that she is evil because of her witchcraft. Both men do it for the same reason - as a means of control. Tara also appears gifted with the sight and like Dru relies on Tarot cards and is seen using them on more than one occasion. In fact, Willow even tells Tara during one episode that she could be a fortune teller for the magic shop. Dru is seen using Tarot cards to predict the future in _What's My Line Parts I & II_. Drusilla represents chaos, the ripe sexual temptations of the dark. She is Lilith - the vampire queen of Jewish legend personified. Her costume is either the innocent white virginal nightgown with dark tresses, a sort of eerie ghostlike visage, reminiscent of Mina of Dracula legend, or black fishnet stockings, fishnet jacket and black and red sleeveless gowns. She's also razor thin. Compare this to Tara's long blond tresses and full womanly figure and pastel peasant shirts.

Drusilla turns poor rejected William into a vampire, because she wants someone who will devote themselves to her, loving her unconditionally and passionately - this is something she sees at William's core, just as Drusilla's core is her sight. Both gifts pass to the vampires. Tempting the poor rejected William with a world of beauty and sex and love, Drusilla provides him with the support and reassurance he currently lacks. Because of Drusilla - William transforms himself into Spike, "You are my sweet... my little Spike", she calls him like a mother labeling her child. (School Hard) She teaches him to embrace the darkness, to thrill in it. When he kills his first slayer - she embraces him fully as a lover, rewarding him for his prowess. (Fool for Love, Season 5 Btvs.) In _School Hard_ (Season 1, Btvs) - she gently suggests he make nice with the Annoited One who has the power. "You should go up with them and cleanse…The boy doesn't trust you. They follow him." And finally, in _Crush_ , she tells him that nothing can keep him back from being the "bad dog" he truly is. No wires or silicon or bits and pieces of science. It's what is inside him that counts. She is his ripe wicked plum, his dark princess, Lilith promising him eternal life and love in the return for devoting himself to her cause: chaos and death.

When we first meet Drusilla, she is a child herself, weak, with her birds and her broken dolls. Spike treats her as a daughter that he pets and takes care of, just as Willow takes care of Tara in Seasons 4 and 5, saving her from monsters, and feeding her food. (They both call their significant others baby or childlike names. Spike even refers to himself as "Daddy" in _Halloween_.) In _School Hard_ , we see Spike hunt for Drusilla , bring her food and order her to eat. "I'll go up and get chanty with the fellas, but *you* (goes to Sheila) got to do me one favor. (takes Sheila off of the hook) Eat something. (hands Sheila to Drusilla and leaves)". Later, he chides her for worrying over a bird that is dead, partly out of jealousy and partly out of fear for her safety - after he learns she'd gone out the night before and met with the ensouled Angel. (Lie To Me, Season 2, Btvs). Drusilla whines when Spike scolds her just as a momentarily crazy Tara whines when people scold her. (See Tough Love, Spiral, and The Gift (Season 5 Btvs)). The whining causes Spike to retract his negative comments and pet Dru soothingly just as Willow soothingly pets and caresses Tara.

It's clear that Spike and Willow would do anything for Drusilla and Tara. When Buffy threatens Drusilla in _Lie To Me_ \- Spike orders his minions to let an entire basement full of victims free, including the one he holds within his grasp. This reminds me of Willow and Tara in _Tough Love_ and later in _Spiral_. In _Tough Love_ , Willow cuts through the crowd at a fair desperate to save Tara from Glory, a mind-sucking hellgod. When Tara is hurt - Willow goes after Glory with the darkest of magics. And in _the Gift_ she tells Buffy, Tara must be her priority. It's fitting that Spike is the one who convinces Buffy in _Tough Love_ that Willow will go after Glory in vengeance, after all he'd do the same thing - he has done it. For that matter so has Buffy, twice with Angel - first she endangers herself by going after Spike on Angel's behalf and the second time she goes after Faith, who becomes Buffy's shadow self in Season 3. In season 3, Faith represents the dark side of Buffy. A role that she does not project onto Spike until much later, towards the end of Season 5. Prior to that Spike acts as Buffy's foil. The writers use him throughout Season 2 and Season 3 as a comparison or foil to Buffy, his actions oddly echoing hers.

The shadow in the Buffyverse appears to represent a physical entity resembling the part of Buffy, she fears most. In Season 3, with Faith acting as Buffy's shadow, it's almost as if Buffy's darker half wishes to destroy Angel - knowing that in order to pass to the next level in her development, she must first break from him. Angel can be seen as Buffy's version of Drusilla and Tara - the guide or lover, the nurturer. In Buffy's case, it's a father figure or yin/psyche version of the guide. During portions of Season 2 and Season 3 - Angel appears in Buffy's dreams acting very much like a spirit guide - similar to the way that Dru and Tara appear for Spike and Willow either in flashbacks for Spike or literally in Willow's dream. (See dreams in Surprise, Innocence, Anne, Dead Man's Party, and to some extent the graveyard scene in Forever - for Buffy and Angel. See Restless, Family, for Willow and Fool for Love for Spike.) Angel acts like a father, taking Buffy out ice-skating, comforting her when she's afraid, protecting her. (What's My Line Part I.) In Forever, after joyce's death, it is Angel who appears at Joyce's grave to comfort Buffy, not her father. Saying all the things one would expect a father to say. (Forever Season 5, Btvs) But we all need to separate from this parental figure - to get to the next level. And this is the hardest one to break - because we feel safe with him or her, they make us feel whole and comforted. We can remain children. In Myth, moving past the parental figure, required a ritual killing or breakage - metaphorically killing the father or mother, the child is forced to survive on its own. In some Native American and tribal traditions - the child would ritualistically combat the parent then go off on a vision quest.

In What's My Line Part II -Buffy's foil, Spike, attempts to kill Angel to save Spike's nurturer and first love, Dru, who in turn was Angelus' childe, who requires Angelus' death to break free of her weakened state and become strong. Later at the end of the Season, Spike tries, with Buffy's consent, to kill Angelus - but to truly break free - Buffy must do it herself & she must metaphorically kill both Angel (soulful kind father) & Angelus (cruel/Freudian father figure) hence the reemergence of Angel's soul just as she's about to slice off Angelus' head. In Becoming Part II, she kisses him then drives a sword through his heart, sending both Angel & Angelus to hell, symbolically severing his control over her so she can be free to start the next stage of her journey. Grief-stricken - she goes off on a vision quest of sorts, journeys to hell and remerges reborn. (See ANN season 3 Btvs). Stronger now - she resists making the same mistakes with Angel in Season 3, and literally switches roles with him - instead of Angel protecting Buffy, Buffy protects and heals Angel with her forgiveness, she becomes the adult and he the child. But their bond is not completely broken until her foil (Spike) and the shadow self (Faith) - one yin and the other yang- emerge and place their cuts on the umbilical chord, leaving the final cut to Buffy herself. First Spike (yin) - cuts the chord, forcing Buffy to acknowledge and be receptive to the dangerous emotions she and Angel feel for one another. "Oh - right, just friends…no danger there," he tells her sardonically. She alludes to his advice when she tells Angel she cannot stay in a comfortable friendship with him: "I can lie to Giles, I can lie to my friends, I can lie to you, but I can't lie to myself or Spike for some reason…" (Lover's Walk, Season 3 Btvs.) Spike also, inadvertently, makes Buffy's mother (yin) - the one person who has the ability to get through to Angel, aware of the relationship. That's the first cut - the emotional one. The second cut is through Faith who represents yang, the psyche. It is through Faith that Buffy is reminded of Angelus and it is through Faith that the Mayor (town father/authority figure -yang) reminds Angel and Buffy of the logical reasons they can't be together. Spike made them aware of the fact they can't just be friends - love exists between them, they can't just ignore it. Faith makes them aware that there are logical and realistic reasons why they can't be lovers. Buffy, still unable to break off with Angel, metaphorically forces her counterpart or shadow, Faith, to do so. Faith fatally injures Angel, thus forcing Buffy to make a decision - she must either sacrifice her life or her soul to save him : Buffy's soul by killing Faith and giving her to Angel as a blood sacrifice, the sacrifice of the shadow self would metaphorically bond Buffy to darkness - luckily Faith escaped this fate. Instead Buffy must risk her own life and forces Angel to drain her. By forcing Angel to drink from her to save himself - Buffy severs the chord. Angel finally realizes why they can't be together - their paths are separate, he will be her destruction. With him, she will remain stunted, the adolescent girl.

For Buffy - the first break must be with a yang figure: here the father, which is fitting because most of Buffy's strength and power comes from yang. Her absentee father - has caused her to take on this role, but she resists it - wishing to find a replacement father so that she can remain in adolescence, a child. Both Angel and Riley represent father figures. The protective male or yang, Buffy must break free of - in order to move onto to the first stage of adulthood and fend for herself. For Buffy - who is yang, the active instead of receptive, she requires balance in yin, receptive emotional. But to reach yin - she had to first conquer the yang - the need for the protective father figure - as represented by Angel, Riley and to some degree Giles. All three leave for their own well being as well as hers. For they also require balance. She fights their leave-taking but when they return, albeit briefly, she recognizes it as being a good thing and thanks them for it. For they have all grown because of it. (See Yoko Factor (where she thanks Angel for leaving) AYW(forgives Riley) and finally Grave (forgives and thanks Giles) for specifics.)

During this period- Xander is the non-sexual confident, the brother figure as opposed to the father figure - hence her inability to be sexually attracted to him - Buffy wants a father-figure not a brother. Xander aids her in her fights without physical backup or sexual need. He does not act like her father, so much as a mirror- the calm voice of reason/her heart. He is Pancho to her Don Quixote. Xander is the confidant and the friend, to bring romance or sex into it would as Buffy long ago put it - destroy the friendship that has become so vital to her. (Prophecy Girl, Season 1 Btvs.) In some ways their friendship is more lasting and more beautiful than a romantic liaison could ever be. It's important that he never be sexually involved with her - because then she would be unable to heed his advice or understand it. It would be colored by emotion. Unlike Angel and Riley - Xander acts as Buffy's conscience -yang personified. Metaphorically - if they were linked romantically - these two would remain forever unbalanced = two yangs and it would stop their mutual journeys to enlightenment. (For this reason - it would be a mistake to put Willow and Spike together. And for the same reasons it's a mistake to put Xander with Buffy, it would be a mistake to put Willow with Buffy - because Willow serves as Buffy's sister self or the mirror to her yin, showing her the positive and negatives of emotional or receptive responses.) Xander in many ways is more important than Angel - because Xander shows Buffy what she can do without the super-strength, he represents her psyche. Another way of putting it is that he operates as a mirror - showing her what happens when yang is in balance and out of balance - see Xander's mistakes in season 3, his jealousy of Angel, his romantic escapades in Season 1-2, and his tendency to see the world in black and white and to be very judgmental. Or the positive aspects - when he talks Willow down in Grave or persuades Angel to help Buffy in Prophecy Girl.

Back to Tara and Drusilla. When Willow's relationship starts with Tara, Willow is the protector, the mother figure and Tara the child. Tara is shy, stutters, and feels outside the group. Willow slowly brings her into it. When Tara's family threatens to take her away, Willow steps in followed by her friends to protect Tara from her father. (FAMILY, Season 5 Btvs.) Spike and Dru's relationship is introduced in the same fashion as Willow and Tara's - to the extent that some viewers found it impossible to see Dru as Spike's sire or mother, it appeared to be the other way around. In School Hard, Spike handles Dru as if she were a piece of porcelain about to break. She talks like a child in a little girl's voice about dolls and flowers and little birds: "The camera pans from her bed past her TV and lamp and over to her collection of dolls. She lifts one and turns it to face away. Drusilla: Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She's a bad example, and will have no cakes today. Shhhh." (See School Hard, Season 2, Btvs.)

Then things change. After restoring Drusilla to her full power, Spike becomes incapacitated, constrained by a wheelchair. Buffy knocked him into a pipe organ which fell on his head, paralyzing him from the waist down for about six months. (See What's My Line Part II, Season 2 Btvs.) When we next see Drusilla and Spike, Drusilla is Mommy and Spike is her child. She is taking care of him. She's the boss.(Surprise) And once Angelus returns - it is indicated that Drusilla not only feeds Spike but also bathes him. ( See Passion, Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered and I Only Have Eyes for You, Season 2 Btvs.) When Spike turns against Drusilla and Angelus - Drusilla scolds him and eventually dumps him like the unruly rebellious child he has become. As Spike states in Lover's Walk: "Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care." (Becoming Part II, Season 2 Btvs. Lover's Walk Season 3, Btvs. and flashbacks in Fool For Love, Season 5 Btvs.)

Tara similarly becomes the adult figure in the Willow/Tara relationship. She scolds Willow on her use of too much magic. Threatening to leave after Willow uses spells on her.

> TARA: (tearfully) I don't think this is gonna work.  
>  WILLOW: Hey. It is, i-it's working. (Tara just looks at her, looks down) Tara, please. I need you, baby. I need you. I don't need magic, I-I don't, I ... let me prove it to you, okay? I, I will go a month without doing any magic. I won't do a single spell. I swear.  
>  TARA: Go a week. One week without magic. (Tabula Rasa, season 6, Btvs.)

Eventually Tara does leave and when Buffy asks to see her, Tara frets like a worried parent that Willow's magic has harmed someone. (Dead Things, Season 6, Btvs.)

Tara and Drusilla do give their lovers a second chance. Drusilla returns in Season 5, Crush, and tells Spike he can join her again. They can play and feed just like old times. The chip, she tells him, means nothing. For awhile he follows her lead- goes to the Bronze, feeds on a girl that she kills for him, punches out Harmony, and allows Drusilla to use a cattle prod on Buffy. But seeing Buffy in pain is too much for him - he just can't do it and rebels. Conflicted - he ties up his mother/lover (Drusilla) - the woman that helped form the monster he is, beside Buffy, the girl he is falling for, the slayer. It is an interesting dilemma. Who do you choose? The Mother? (Sort of similar to Willow's choice regarding Tara and OZ- Willow of course chooses Tara, the mother as opposed to OZ (the father?). ) On its face, Spike's choice appears to be simple since Buffy clearly wants nothing to do with him. Yet, Spike does the unthinkable - he saves Buffy from Drusilla. The first link in the chain that bound him to Dru was cut when he joined with Buffy to defeat Angelus - the second is severed when he saves Buffy from Drusilla. Drusilla realizing he is beyond her grasp, retreats into the shadows muttering that not even she can help him now. Harmony - his replacement for Drusilla and a psuedo-Buffy clone, blond with the ability to fit into Buffy's clothes and dim enough to pretend to be Buffy in their sex games - also leaves. (She's later replaced with the far more malleable Buffbot.) By making the choice to save Buffy - Spike has cut himself off from the safe known world of the mother. Unlike Willow's choice of Tara over OZ - Spike's reaps no rewards, he doesn't get Buffy as a result of his actions, if anything his actions, demonic in nature - chaining her up and forcing her to listen to his confession of love, exile him further from her affections. (Ironic - since Dru would probably would have rewarded him for this treatment.)

*Odd, Spike loses Dru, his creator and mother figure by choice an episode before Buffy loses her real biological mother, Joyce, (at the end of I Was Made To Love You.) Willow, by contrast, has no clue what it is like to lose a nurturing mother figure (see Tough Love), while Tara lost her mother at 17 and was forced to handle the job of raising her brothers. (The Body, Season 5, Btvs.) Both Buffy and Tara - deal with the literal loss of their biological mother, while Willow and Spike deal with the metaphorical loss of the surrogate mother as Buffy dealt with the metaphorical loss of her surrogate father via Angel. Tara chooses to part from her father - similar to Spike who chooses to part from Dru when she returns for him, just as Willow chooses to part from Oz when he returns for her. Both Spike and Willow have moved on, Spike from the mother figure (yin) and Willow from the father figure (yang). But Tara like Buffy literally loses her mother in death. Perhaps as a result of her literal and figurative acceptance of both parents loss - Tara ascends to a higher level - incorporating both yin and yang in her being, leaping beyond the need for gender definitions or dependency on others to format or define herself. Drusilla on the other hand, remains unbalanced and chaotic. She refuses to let the sick human, Darla, die, and instead forces her to remain, by vamping her, turning her back into the vampire mother she remembers, and then with Darla's help seeks to turn Angel, back into the demon father that once tortured her. Drusilla unlike Tara has not accepted the loss of her parents, she attempts to recreate them. This causes Drusilla to remain arrested in adolescence. (See Crush and Ats Season 2 for specifics. )

When Tara returns - Willow takes her back. Willow unlike Spike, works to regain her mother/lover's affection. (Remember Willow has a strained relationship with her biological mother (Gingerbread), just as Buffy has with her father - so like Buffy does with Angel and Riley, Willow finds comfort and love with Tara. Both women attempt to hold on to these relationships. Spike - well, we really don't know what William's relationships were like with his biological parents. From the limited information we're given - we can assume he had a close one with his mother.

Here's what _leslie_ on the ATP board states regarding William's relationship with his mother and how that relationship affects his future relationships: 

>   
>  "William's relationship with his mother--I don't think we can assume it was necessarily good, merely that it was close. There seems to me some implication that William is in danger of being smothered by his mother. A propensity for writing bad poetry is not alone sufficient for the kind of mockery William gets from his peers. There is something disturbingly childish about his reaction to being accosted by an overtly aggressive woman in an alley--he may phrase it as "Mother is expecting me," as though she is the one dependent upon him, but it really smacks of running home to Mommy. And it would be that kind of hypocrisy--pretending he's a grown-up, man-of-the-house with a mother dependent upon him when in fact she's the one in charge, controlling him--that would arouse the kind of mockery he gets. Therefore, it seems to me that his relationship with Drusilla is likely very much a replication of his relationship with his mother, with a lot of Oedipal overtones. (A LOT of Oedipal overtones, especially when you add Angel into the equation!) We may initially see Drusilla in a weakened state, but however "paternally" Spike may behave toward her when she is ill, that's part of the game--allowing him to pretend that he's in charge, when she is still the complete focus of his unlife. He still thinks that what he has to do to prove his love is to make a woman the complete focus of his life…" (leslie, Re: Mother's and Bathrooms, reply to this essay on 6/7/02).   
> 

When William becomes a vampire - he forms new relationships and is forever cut off from the human ones, so in a sense Drusilla does replace his mother as leslie suggests, meeting his needs just as Tara might for Willow. (Except I think Tara meets it far more Jungian terms than Freudian, Willow's relationship with her mother is the opposite of Spike's, Willow's mother is a disapproving one, who ignores her.)

Willow completes several tasks to accomplish Tara's return: 1\. She goes cold turkey - cleans herself of all magic supplies. 2\. She saves Buffy three times without the use of magic. (See Gone, DoubleMeat Palace and Normal Again for specifics.) 3\. She cuts off her friendship with Amy, who is addicted to magic. And finally in Entropy- Tara, seeing all the work Willow has done, returns to her in Willow's bedroom, their safe haven where the world cannot interfere. The same haven where Willow violated her by removing her memory of a fight in All The Way. Thus Willow appears to reap the necessary reward for successfully completing her tasks.

So why kill Tara? Why is Willow denied the comfort of Tara's love? Well, let's ask the question another way - why is Angel killed at the end of Season 2 and why does he leave in Season 3? And why must Spike cut the chord that binds him to Dru? And why must Spike leave Buffy? Buffy says it best in I Was Made To Love You - she tells Xander, that you shouldn't change yourself and your life, so it is only about one person. You should do these things for yourself. Willow, like Spike and Buffy, must complete these tasks for herself not for the reward of Tara's love. To break out of her childhood, she must break free of the mother (Tara). Up to this point - everything Willow has done has been for someone else's approval. First, she gets good grades for her parents. Then she delves into magic - to get acceptance from the SG and to rebel against her mother, Sheila.

> Willow: (stands up) No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion!  
>  Sheila: (smiling) Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness. (Gingerbread, Season 3, btvs.)

Willow needs to learn that she is special without someone else telling her she is. She has to learn how to love herself and how to complete tasks for her own personal development not in order to gain acceptance or love from someone else. She is depending on Tara to provide her with self-esteem, to provide her with a compass or a goal.

Willow believes she is a loser, mousey, the one always picked on in College and high school. As DarkWillow tells Buffy: _"Let me tell you something about Willow: she's a loser. And she always has been. Everyone picked on Willow in junior high, high school, up until college with her stupid mousy ways and now - Willow's a junkie. the only thing going for me -were those moments - just moments - when Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again. "_ (Two to Go, Season 6 Btvs.). And Tara, being the compassionate loving soul that she is, is unable to break the chord that binds her to Willow. Only Willow can break it and Willow doesn't know how. So it is broken tragically by an outside force - forcing Willow to choose her path on her own without Tara or anyone else to tell her what to do.

Spike has had to do this twice now. First with Drusilla. Now with Buffy. And both times it happens in a private safe haven. The first time in the privacy of his crypt, the inner sanctum where he keeps all his valuables. The second time in Buffy's private domain, her bath, a place he may have been welcomed before. But unlike Tara, Buffy is not in love with Spike; and Spike of course is not Willow. Spike is a demon who prior to his relationship with Buffy was evil. Drusilla leaves Spike, because Spike has moved towards good, he is no longer evil enough for her, he has become gray. (Because he tried to save the world to save her. His capacity for love worked against her primal code for evil. Becoming Part II) Drusilla did not have to die for this break to happen, because Spike was able to cut the chord himself. He replaced Drusilla in his heart with Buffy. (Crush.) Now instead of trying to please Dru - Spike is trying to please Buffy. The tasks he completes are for Buffy's benefit. Here are his tasks: 1\. Starts helping her, saves her life, saves her friends, protects her mother and sister. 2\. Undergoes torture at Glory's hands. 3\. Sacrifices himself for Buffy and Dawn in Spiral and The Gift. Although on the surface it appears the completion of these tasks have earned him Buffy's love - they haven't, not really. As verandathe so aptly put it in a post on vampirism - _no matter how hard Spike tries to please Buffy by doing good deeds - as a demon without a soul - he is doomed to failure_. (reply to Malandaz's & Masq's vampivampirism posts on ATP board, 6/4/02). With Dru, Spike had a chance - he could do evil deeds to please her - that was his natural inclination. Buffy requires him to go against his natural impulses. So Spike hasn't really changed. Any more than Willow really has. You can't just complete a bunch of tasks to earn back someone's love, you have to complete the tasks for yourself. You have to change for yourself. Otherwise, your lover has no way of knowing that you won't make the same mistakes all over again. To realize this - both Spike and Willow had to break from the people who are their compasses. Spike first broke with his dark compass = Drusilla (yin) this makes it possible for him to choose to do evil for himself not just to impress her, (which he attempts to do, with unproductive results in Harsh Light of Day (Btvs Season 4), In the Dark (Ats Season 1), The Initiative & Yoko Factor (Season 4, Btvs. ) ) Now he has to break with the light one = Buffy (yang), so he can make the choice to do good on his own. Spike's break with Drusilla was similar to Willow's with OZ - neither required a death. Both Dru and OZ voluntarily left Spike and Willow and when they returned, Spike and Willow had moved on. Spike and Willow's breaks with Buffy and Tara are far more traumatic, partly because the break occurs with a death. Buffy and Tara don't leave them. Even after the Attempted Rape ("AR") scene - Buffy appears on Spike's doorstep. He's the one who has to leave. Just as Tara ends up returning to Willow. This may be the reason that Tara is shot.

Been thinking about this, and finally it came to me why Tara was shot in Willow's bedroom, it's actually for the same reason that the AR scene occurs in Buffy's bathroom: Think about it - the safest and most comforting part of Willow's world, our world is our bedroom. It has to be, it's where we sleep, where we boink, where we decompress. To have Tara ripped from Willow in a place of such utter and complete safety heightens the trauma. Compare this to Spike losing Buffy by his own actions in the privacy of her bath, also womblike and safe. Up until now, Spike had been the vulnerable one. Their rough sex taking place in his crypt. Spike always being naked and exposed while Buffy is covered - in AYW she appears in a black protection suit, while he is dressed in loose fitting close she can easily open. In Gone she is invisible while he is exposed. In the crypt door scene in DT she is wearing gloves and completely clothed, his shirt is open and no gloves. So, as leslie states on the ATP board: _"There's been much comment about the earlier part of the season where Spike's nakedness emphasizes his vulnerability. I think the bathroom--where Buffy is about to take a shower--is a similarly "vulnerable" location. This is why this interaction is no longer rough sex but attempted rape, something that takes some time for Spike to realize *because* he is used to being the vulnerable one, and their rough sex has taken place in *his* space. And this kind of makes me wonder if part of his realization that things have gone too far encompasses not only a realization that he has hurt Buffy, but that he is finally able to get some hint of why she broke up with him--she saw their relationship as verging on the same kind of violation of him that he has just almost perpetrated on her._ "(leslie, ATP board, Mothers & Bathrooms, 6/7/02) At any rate, Spike's attempted violation of Buffy, shocks him to his core - causing him to leave in order to change himself.

How about Buffy losing Joyce in the privacy and safety of her living room? To lose the person who nurtures your ego, who makes you feel whole in the place where you were not only just recently reunited with them but also share your most intimate self with them - is a traumatic break that metaphorically works on a psychological and emotional level. Willow has lost her mother and sole nurturer in her home. Just as Buffy loses her mother in her home. Extend the metaphor further - Buffy is shot from the same gun that shot Tara, Tara has become a pseudo surrogate mother to both Buffy and Dawn - now where is Tara shot? Willow's room? Think again. Joyce's old room! So, Willow, Buffy and Dawn have had the mother, Tara - the perfect balance of yin/yang, ripped from them in Buffy &Dawn's biological and Willow's surrogate mother, Joyce's, old room, the safest place in their home by an intrusive and man made bullet! Is it any wonder, Willow erupts with rage the way she does? And through her eruption - Willow is reborn. Just as by leaving - Spike is reborn. And to further link this to Buffy - by being forced to reemerge from the grave (read Joyce's, Tara's or Buffy's), Dawn and Buffy are reborn.

To pass through fire and be reborn, Willow and Spike had to break with the mother. Spike does it first, breaking with Drusilla by choice. This break is less traumatic, because it happened over time and did not require a death. Willow's break is more traumatic for Willow and the rest of the characters - because Tara didn't just represent Willow's mother, she was also a surrogate for Dawn and to a lesser degree Buffy. So her death symbolically frees three characters. The mother has to symbolically die in order for Willow, Dawn & Buffy to walk through the fire and be reborn. Just as Drusilla had to leave for Spike to start to grow. Later Buffy's death (in the Gift and the violent separation in AR scene, she's shot not long after that in Seeing Red)- causes a second break for Spike, allowing him to choose to walk through the fire and be reborn. To pass into adulthood, each character had to lose the mother, whether she be the dark temptress Drusilla or the lady of light, balanced yin/yang, Tara. Dealing with her separation is the first step on the road to adulthood. Just as leaving home and setting out on our own is ours.


End file.
